Dear Family Member,

Your decision to ask for help brings you into our circle of friendship, support and concern. Like us, your family has been caught up in this illness from its earliest beginning. As our loved ones' behavior became more destructive, we changed our behavior to adjust. We become the dependent's best excuse and best alibi for continuing to abuse mood-altering substances, food, or engage in compulsive activities.

We apologize to neighbors for the way he/she is acting. We call in to work or school when he/she is "ill", or we attempt to monitor the dependent's food intake or enforce a diet. We turn down invitations to parties, claiming we have other obligations, when actually we're afraid he/she may get out of control. We sidestep questions about appearance or weight. When our friends or relatives ask, we claim it's only pressure, or a stage that he/she is going through.

In the meantime, we begin to feel plagued with self-doubts, "Is it my fault, what have I done to bring this about, what can I do to change it?"

We begin to believe the dependent when he/she claims it's our fault that he/she abuses food. We may even question our own sanity. Around the house, we all walk on eggshells. We don't want to rock the boat, because he/she may respond with binge or starvation. Our communications have failed. We've learned, as well as the dependent, that many of our feelings are uncomfortable and that they hurt. We try to ignore these feelings by rationalizing much of the dependent person's behavior.

We try to pretend it doesn't hurt anymore, but it does. We slowly become people we don't like. We're becoming hostile, withdrawn and extremely lonely. Our shame about the dependent's behavior keeps us from seeking help from anyone. We're totally isolated. We hope for relief and find none.

Through Rimrock Foundation's Program we found the help so desperately needed and we discovered how many other families there were like us. We weren't alone and you aren't either! We suggest you keep three simple rules in your mind and practice them.

• If You Need Help - ask for it!
• If You Hurt - share your pain!
• If You Wish to Find Yourself - reach out to others!